


Meet Cracky

by zimmiebitty (Angelwithwingsoffire)



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: M/M, Pure Crack, i am so sorry guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 02:56:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7149848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelwithwingsoffire/pseuds/zimmiebitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack and the Falconers go to the best bakery in town, Bitty's, and Jack meets Eric.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I had this idea for a while and was going to write a coherent and good piece for this plot but then I had a minor surgery, got hopped up on painkillers, and wrote the entire thing in one night. And yes, I think I got higher as the piece goes on. Honestly I’m just glad I managed to write it all in English. So it’s here, it’s done, and I’m sorry.

_Bitty’s_ is currently one of the most famous bakeries in the Providence area but it was started by Eric Richard Bittle as a bake-to-order shop out of his college house that evolved into a true storefront after he graduated. And with his double major in business management and culinary arts, he was doing quite fine for himself _thank you very much Great-Aunt Margery_. (And by the way Great-Aunt Margery he had his best friends, Lardo and Chowder and no he does not need help finding a good woman to settle down with. He was all for tips on good men though right now because it seemed like all of them had gone from the world.) Eric was born and raised to be a southern gentleman but he was about to snap and no jury would be able to find him guilty for killing the entirety of the hockey team that was currently invading his store.

“Yo Bits, you okay?” Lardo asked, following Eric as he escaped into the kitchen at the back.

“The noise.” Eric winced. “It’s a tad much for today.”

Lardo nodded. “Want me to kick them out?”

“No, we need the money and lord knows if they love it they might come back, but hopefully individually.”

Lardo gave up a smile to the small one on Eric’s face. “Come on then, I’ll get them quiet and we’ll get them fed and gone.”

Eric nodded, taking a deep breath to steel himself up before marching out. He busied himself at the counter, waiting for Lardo. This wasn’t the first time she’d had to quiet a rowdy crowd.

Lardo came bursting out of the kitchen 30 seconds after Eric with a pot in one hand and a metal spoon in the other to bang together while wailing like the otherworldly being she is. “EVERYONE SHUT UP OR GET OUT!” She roared.

The entire hockey team shut up.

“Thank you.” Lardo smiled. “This is a bakery, not a bar. Shouting is not allowed and will not be tolerated. Is that clear?”

They all nodded. The regular customers scattered around at the booths were all snickering to themselves. This wasn’t the second time Lardo had done this, or even the fifth. They all knew it by rote now.

“Then please form a single file line and allow these two wonderful gentlemen to take your orders.” Lardo grinned before turning back around to put her tools of quieting away.

Bitty took a deep breath, turning around to work the first register while Chowder was able to finally relax at the second.

After Lardo’s ‘lesson’ the team was much quieter, some of them even apologizing when they got to the front.

“Sorry about them.” A voice said. They sounded embarrassed about the team.

“It’s no big deal.” Eric answered easily, grabbing the order for the player in front of the speaker. “You guys aren’t the first team to roll through here.” Eric grinned as he turned around, faltering when he saw the face of the speaker. Jack Zimmermann. Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann was in Eric’s store. Which means this was the Falconers. Which means Lardo just told a team of _professional_ hockey players to shut up. Oh dear lord Eric was going to be sick.

“You okay?” Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann asked, looking worried.

Eric plastered his customer service smile on and nodded. “Just stood up to fast there from grabbing your friend’s cupcake.”

“Oh, okay.” Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann smiled.

“So, uh, what would you like?” Eric asked, hoping to God that his voice didn’t squeak as he did so.

“What’s good?”

“Everything is good here.” Eric immediately declared, feeling a little offended at the implication that he would make something not good. He did do all of the baking after all.

Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann held his hands up in surrender and grinned. “Then I’ll take a slice of that maple-apple pie you have. It looks delicious.”

Eric nodded, leaning over to grab it and ringing up the pie slice. “It is. It’s a specialty here.”

“Well then I’ll be glad to have it.” Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann smiled, handing Eric the correct amount of money and pulling away for the next guy.

“You okay there, kid?” The next guy asked, looking concerned.

Eric nodded. “There’s a lot of you.”

The guy smiled. “Don’t worry, we overwhelm people whenever we go anywhere.”

“Oh I’m not overwhelmed.” Eric told him. “I’m concerned for my stock. I don’t get another supply delivery until next week.”

The player in front of him laughed. “I’ll try to keep them calm then.”

“Much obliged.” Eric thanked him. “Now what can I get for you?”

***

By the time the hockey team left, it was nearly closing time so Eric just flipped the sign early and then turned to Lardo and Chowder.

“Did that just happen?” He asked, halfway still in shock.

“Yep.” Lardo nodded. “Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann, as you like to call him, and what appeared to be the entire line-up for the Providence Falconers was just in our shop and ate nearly half our stock.”

Eric groaned, throwing back his head. “Fuck me silly.”

“No thanks.” Lardo and Chowder declared at once.

Eric glared at them. “I hate you both.”

“And yet you said you loved me earlier for dealing with the noise.” Lardo smirked.

“And you said you’d always love me.” Chowder pouted.

Eric sighed. “Yes Chowder, I will always love you. And yes Lardo, thank you for doing that I honestly don’t know what I would have done without either of you today.”

They grinned.

“Group hug!” Chowder exclaimed, throwing up his arms.

Lardo sighed and Eric grinned back, both of them moving to wrap Chowder up in a tight hug.

“I love you both.” Eric told them. “So please pray, for my sake, that none of them remember tomorrow where this fucking bakery is.”

“Amen.” Chowder promised. “That was awful.”

***

“Dude, how did you say you knew about that place?” One of Jack’s teammates asked as they changed for practice that afternoon.

Jack smiled. “A friend mentioned it a while back, I just figured since George got Jane to lay off the diets for this month to celebrate, now would be the time to go.”

“Well I for one am amazingly glad he remembered the name.” Another teammate groaned.

“Had enough there Thirdy?” Jack laughed. “I think you ate an entire pie on your own.”

The rest of the team laughed as well, causing Thirdy to flip him off.

“We definitely have to go back there again.” Someone declared.

“Okay, but not as a group.” Jack told them all. “I know you all loved it but they were really overwhelmed by all of us going in at once so go alone or in small groups so you don’t eat all their food.”

“Yes Papa.” Another teammate rolled his eyes.

“You shut your mouth Guy or I’ll ground you.” Jack threatened with a smile.

“Oh no!” Guy exclaimed. “Everybody run! Pops is upset again! Run quick before he gets you with his cane!”

Jack lunged at him, getting an uproar of laughter as Guy danced away. Jack rolled his eyes and let it go, grabbing the last of his gear to go out to the ice. The others couldn’t stop thinking about the food but Jack couldn’t stop thinking about the cute little guy with a charming southern drawl that served him. Eric his nametag had called him. He was exactly Jack’s type and he knew as soon as he heard him speak that Jane was going to end up killing him for breaking his diet, as he knew he would if it meant getting more chances to see Eric. He needed to get to know him.


	2. Chapter 2

Eric was working the register three days later the next time Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann walked into his store, and he didn’t even notice until he was right at the counter, smile on and ready to order, stopping Eric in his tracks.

“Hey.” Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann gave a little wave. “I don’t know if you remember me but-”

“You’re Jack Zimmermann, center and captain of the Falconers and two-time winner of the Stanley cup. Also the first out of the closet pro-hockey player, which thanks for that by the way that was very helpful getting my bigot family back home to calm down.” Eric rattled off. “I remember when celebrities come into the store.”

“I’m not a celebrity. Please.” Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann begged. “I’m just a guy who really wants more of that maple-apple pie I had last time. I have never tasted pie that good.”

Eric blushed. “Aren’t you supposed to be on a diet?” He asked, already grabbing the slice from the warming oven. He was of the idea that apple pie should always be served warm, therefore, warming ovens were installed within weeks of him owning the place.

Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann shrugged. “Our manager got our nutritionist to lay off the diets for a month to allow celebration after winning the Cup again this year.”

“Wasn’t that nearly a month ago?” Eric asked, forcing himself not to think about the fact that instead of leaving and going to a booth Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann was now sitting at the counter, chatting with him while eating his slice of pie.

“Hence the probable influx of hockey players into your shop lately I’m sure.”

“Ah. Is that why I’ve seen that one every day since the whole ‘group date’ thing you did?” Eric grinned. “And shouldn’t your nutritionist know that when given the wiggle room, hockey players will eat any and everything that is put before them and smells good.”

“Speaking from experience?”

“You could say that.” Eric laughed. “I played in college and the Lord know without me those boys would have died of alcohol poisoning in weeks.”

Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann laughed, fucking _laughed_ at that. “Sounds like college hockey. Where’d you play?”

“Samwell. Not the best but we had a good team and an amazing time.” Eric smiled.

“Sounds like it.” Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann smiled. “Well if you don’t mind me asking, how’d you go from college hockey to here?”

Eric smiled. “I’ve always loved to bake and I honed my skills very effectively with an entire hockey team there to eat any and all things, successful experiments or failures, so I never had to feel guilty about wasting anything. I also had a little business I ran from the Hockey Haus where people could order sweets and I’d bake them and that took off like a hurricane once people got wind of how good it all was. And then I majored in business management and culinary arts so when graduation came, it just seemed right to extend that into a storefront business and here we are.”

“Wait, you actually own this place?”

Eric laughed at his surprise. “Did you think it was Lardo after the display the other day?”

“Is that her name?”

“Nickname.” Eric assured him. “She was the team manager in college so she got one along with the rest of us. Larissa she was and Lardo she became.”

Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann laughed at that. “I know those nicknames can be.”

Eric nodded. “She and Chowder, that’s the other guy who was here working that day your team came in, both started working for me after this place got up and running. Lardo’s an artist but she prefers to paint for herself not for others so this job funds that and Chowder’s a good kid but he really is just a kid still at heart. I’m teaching him to bake so he can help me in the back on busy days.”

“Like when an entire hockey team shows up?”

“Yes, like that.” Eric glared at him.”

“I am sorry about that.” Jack smiled. “I didn’t think ahead to what would happen I we all came at once like we did.”

“Well now you know.” Eric smiled.

Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann bit his lip for a moment. “Can I ask one thing more?”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Eric shrugged with a smile.

“Would you go on a date with me?” The words escaped Jack’s mouth before he could stop them.

Eric froze, staring at him. “What?” Did he hear what he thought he just heard? Did Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann just asked Eric Bittle on a fucking date?!

“I am so sorry if that is too forward I didn’t actually mean to say that but I was thinking about how cute you were and that I wanted to date you and it just kinda slipped out I am so sorry if that made you uncomfortable I don’t even know if you like guys or anything and-”

Yup. Eric heard right.

He trailed off as Eric started laughing.

“What?”

“Eric grinned at him. “You’re asking me out?”

“Well I meant to ask you what your hockey name was but like I said, it slipped out.” Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann blushed. Eric should probably stop calling him that before it slipped out around Jack or, even worse, Lardo found out he’d been calling Jack that in his head for the last four days.

“I don’t typically date customers.” Eric told him. “It’s too risky. I’ve been dated for my pies before and I’d rather not relive that pain.”

“Oh.” Jack bowed his head.

Eric smiled. “How about this though? Prove to me that you deserve a date, and I’ll give you one.”

“Stanley cup isn’t good enough for you?” Jack teased.

Eric smirked. “Definitely not. A lot of guys have done that. Not many have gained a date with me.”

Jack nodded, easily accepting the challenge. “Deal.”

“Then you’d best get working.” Eric told him, waving a hand. “Woo me.”

***

“YOU SAID WHAT?!” Lardo exclaimed.

“I DON’T KNOW I WAS CHANNELING YOU AND TRYING NOT TO DIE.” Eric shouted back.

“I cannot believe Jack Zimmermann asked you out!” Chowder exclaimed, happy for Eric instead of annoyed like Lardo was.

“Eric this the same guy who-”

“I know what he did!” Eric exclaimed. “But Lardo, he’s changed!”

“Men don’t change that fast!” Lardo told him. “Just because he smiled and flirted this time instead of just asking like he did last time does not change his goal, just the methods by which he achieves it!”

“How do you know he hasn’t changed?” Eric demanded.

“How do you know he hasn’t?” Lardo shot back.

Bitty growled before turning and storming upstairs to his loft.

“I’m missing something but I’m okay with it.” Chowder smiled.

“Jack _fucking_ Zimmermann and Bits here have met before.” Lardo spat. “And Jack was anything but a gentleman. He was an asshole who left Bits in the dust after scraping him off like gum off a shoe. And I will die before I let that asshole hurt him again.”


	3. Chapter 3

Jack was determined to win Bitty over so he called up his own childhood friend to ask for advice.

“Yo Jack, where you been at bro?”

“Shitty, I need some advice.”

“Whoa, jumping straight to the point alright!” Shitty exclaimed. “Is this a pants on conversation?”

“I would prefer if you were wearing pants yes but it isn’t necessary.” Jack sighed.

“Okay then. What’s up?”

Jack heard the sound of Shitty hitting the mattress on the other end and sighed. “I need advice on how to get a guy to like me.”

“A guy? Bro you finally getting out there?! Tell me everything!”

Jack sighed but told him how he met Eric and then accidently asked Eric out and then Eric made him a deal then ended his explanation with another plea for help.

Shitty sighed. “Well bro, honestly you just need to figure out what he likes. Obviously don’t get him like sweets or anything cuz he’s a baker and he’d just compare it to his own and then get offended and think you bought it for him because you thought it would be better than his and then he’d never love you. So don’t do that.”

“Thanks Shitty.” Jack said dryly.

“Always happy to help!” Shitty exclaimed before hanging up.

Jack groaned. He loved Shitty, but sometimes he hated him.

***

Two weeks after Eric made the deal with Jack, the man showed up at the bakery again with a bouquet of flowers and a sheepish smile.

“Well hello there.” Eric smiled. “Let me get Chowder to run this and we can sit down to talk.”

Jack nodded and waited silently for Eric to run into the back and get Chowder before coming around the counter to lead Jack to a booth separate from those already taken so they could talk in peace.

“I brought flowers.” Jack declared, handing them over.

Eric smiled. “Thank you.”

“I thought a lot about how I could prove myself worthy of dating you but then I realized that I’m really not and so I’m sorry.” Jack declared. “I’m just a hockey player with no idea what I’m going to do when injuries undoubtedly force me into an early retirement because I never went to college. However you went to one of the best schools in the country, started your own business, saved a kitten from a tree and yes I stalked your Instagram to find that out I’m sorry, but you’re amazing and wonderful and perfect and I’m really not. And I also remembered that we’re met before and I am entirely unworthy of even being in the same room as you let alone the same relationship and I’m sorry.”

“Lardo will be happy to hear that.” Eric smirked. “And Jack, you weren’t the first or the last closeted guy to fuck me and walk out on me. I was a figure skater, it’s what all you hockey dudes thought we did. We didn’t, by the way, but you were a kid and so was I. It’s all fine now. I’ve forgiven you.”

“Really?” Jack perked up.

“Yes.” Eric smiled. “And my hockey name was Bitty by the way.”

Jack opened his mouth to say something else but the door burst open and a man walked in dressed in an outfit that not only screamed ‘hippie’ it screamed ‘homeless hippie from a nudist colony who appeared to think he was Tarzan judging by the howl coming from his mouth’.

“Oh god lord my bakery’s gone to the dogs.” Eric mumbled.

“JACK!” The homeless semi-naked hippie shouted.

“Oh fuck Shitty whyyy?” Jack dropped his head to the table.

“I’M HERE TO SAVE YOU JACK!” Shitty shouted.

“I’m going to kill you.” Jack told him.

“Lardo’s going to kill him.” Eric corrected, already looking towards the kitchen as Lardo burst forth with her pot and spoon, screaming and banging away.

“GET OUT HOCKEY MOTHERFUCKER!” She shouted.

“Lardo leave him alone!” Eric called to her.

Lardo snarled.

“Lardo please!” Eric begged.

Lardo growled but put the pans down to go stand by Eric. “I hate these hockey bros.”

“You were a hockey bro in college.” Eric reminded her.

“In _college_.” Lardo emphasized. “Not now. I’m an artist now.”

Eric rolled his eyes. “Shush, please.”

“Only for you.” Lardo smiled, kissing Eric’s cheek.

“BRO DID YOU FALL FOR A STRAIGHT BOY?!” Shitty exclaimed, watching the exchange with interest.

“I AM GAY YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Lardo shouted at him.

“As am I.” Eric added. “And as Jack is as well. We’re all gay here apparently.”

“WAIT A MINUTE! IF YOU’RE GAY AND HE’S GAY AND SHE’S GAY AND _I’M_ GAY, THEN WHO THE FUCK IS FLYING THIS PLANE?”

“Shitty, we’re not on a plane.” Jack sighed.

“Oh yea. Okay then.” Shitty calmed down.

“Shitty, how much pot have you had to today?”

“I don’t know. Like four?”

“Four what Shitty? Bongs? Joints? Brownies?”

“I don’t know. Four.”

“I am going to kill you.” Jack decided. “Right the fuck now.”

Shitty’s eyes widened and he ran from the store, Jack on his heels.

“So are you dating that one now?” Lardo asked, sitting down and stealing Jack’s pie.

Eric grinned. “I hope so. He’s got a nice butt.”

“Always a good thing to check.” Lardo agreed. “And you two are good then?”

“He remembered and he apologized.” Eric agreed. “Everything’s good.”

“Well except for the attempted murder.”

“Yea but that’s bound to happen around hockey bros.”

“True dat motherfucker.” Lardo nodded. “True dat.”

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry.


End file.
